I am frustrated.

We are due to go on holidays for a week with Little Guy – Little Guy and I will both be skiing for the first time, ever.

I have been unwell since the weekend and it seems to be getting worse – headache, cold, sore back, low energy – usual symptoms of a cold. I am very happy to not have my tonsils – at least I don’t have to worry about them being inflamed and sore!

What makes this situation worse is that DH and I are meant to be competing in a marathon in 10 days – I have been unable to train. Feeling sorry for myself but my focus is to get to the start line feeling healthy. Can do anything about the lack of training effort. Grrrr.


a set back


It’s hard to be excited about my Aunty arriving from OS. She’s here for 3 months – arriving in time to fast the month of Ramadan with her family (and mine, I suppose).

Aunty Q is my father’s sister but she is also the mother of my PBILs.

I suppose her visit is an example of me being on the outer. I had no idea she was coming until the day of the event. Everyone else must have known for weeks – it takes that long the sort out paper work for visitors from the Middle East.

I am quite uncomfortable about it – I have been seeing my family every weekend and not once has this come up.

What’s the big deal, you say? 

Well, her arrival and stay means I will have to plan my visits even more carefully – I have no idea if she knows about my marriage. No one has told me what she knows, doesn’t know.

I am making the assumption that I will need to lay low for the next 3 months to avoid any confrontations. She will most likely be spending a lot of time at my mother’s place – which means I will not be able to see my mother on weekends if she is also there.

It feels like I’ve taken a few step backwards….





Brazilian-Style Coconut Prawn Stew

Last Thursday night’s dinner was a success!

I found a recipe if a supermarket food magazine – was easy to make and tasted great.

I made this as DH’s only request on Thursday nights is I spend more time with him then I cooking in the kitchen.

How do I know it was a success? DH went for second 🙂

I didn’t make anything for desert 😦

I did bring home a block of KitKat chocolate which went down a treat.



Thursday Nights

I am going to try to make this a regular post. Ever Thursday I give DH a night off existing. What does this mean? This means that from the moment he walks through the door on Thursday night he is under no obligation whatsoever to:

  1. Cook
  2. Clean
  3. Maintain conversation with me

Generally, he gets a glass of wine and sits back reading a book on his tablet or catching up with news, social media etc while I burrow about in the kitchen stretching my culinary skills and attempting to present dinner before 8pm. I quite often fail. I try to use this opportunity to cook something new, sometimes even make dessert from scratch.



DH, being the awesome husband he is, never fails to tell me how wonderful the meal is, whether he tells the truth on these occasions can be verified by:

  1. Genuine enthusiasm
  2. Endorses the possibility of making this for guests
  3. How quickly it is consumed
  4. Whether an offer for a second serve is taking up…

I know his sincerity is lesser when:

  1. He makes subtle suggestions for improvements
  2. We both laugh from the sheer failure
  3. Neither one of us can finish our meal
  4. We eat more dessert then dinner

DH usually laps up the opportunity to be exempt from any domestic duties – I will happily restore our home to its state of hygienically blessed organisation – dishes, load of laundry, de-clutter, you name it!

Even though DH doesn’t have to, he usually ends up bringing his glass of wine into the kitchen for a chat. Initially, he would try to help in the kitchen, but he eventually appreciated that it would upset me to see him now 100% embrace laziness and just switch off from his day.

I have found that on these days, it doesn’t take DH very long to start to unwind and relax. It usually results in an amazing evening –once dinner is served, we really unwind and relax and let a general chit-chat to take us on places. This is why i find we end up having a our most deep and meaningful conversation son Thursdays – the mood is very set for openness, positivity, and communication. Perfect.

This tradition of our has been going ob for over 2 years. I love my Thursday night routine – I love taking care of him and having him feel taken care over. It is bliss. Which is why we do our best to kepe it going – the only thing that stops Thursday nights from happening is travel or hard to miss social event. When this does happen, I don’t cancel Thursday night – i just bring it forward to Wednesday or delay it to Friday (assuming Little Guy isn’t over) and we just pretend that its ‘Thursday night’.

I ❤ Thursday night.

The muslim girl who married a christian boy

Can you see the horizon?

There have been some positive developments lately – I just wish I had the time to flesh them out on paper and log them here….

Nothing has changed regarding the PBILs – they still dont want their children talking to me. My mother still plays along with them and has allowed them to believe that she no longer sees or hears from me.

I can only visit when she is not expecting any guests, and I always park my car across the road from her home so people wont see my car there.

Apparently she still asks my sisters about DH – what he’s like, if he treats me well etc.

I have not seen my father since he met DH for the first and only time last year.

Big Bro says he’s supportive of my choice, but so far he’s fallen off the grid too…. no calls, messages – no interest. This means that i no longer really see much of his three children – with the exception of when I bump into them at my mum’s place…..







An Excuse For Failure?

photolast night I had the strangest thought/feeling/vision.

P and I were watching a few minutes of TV when Shapelle Corby’s face, her blue eyes anguished behind bars.

I have to say, it took me back. so far back, it hurt. For whatever reason, i could see myself, about 15 years ago, maybe more, laying in bed and gazing through my windows into night’s sky. Its a memory that comes up often. At that age, I made a promise to myself that things would be better for me when i turned 30.

That if I could just make it to 30, I would have a life of my choosing that I could carve myself and not live the life I was living then: restrained, caged, trapped, guilty, and all that horrible jazz.

Last night, seeing Shapelle’s eyes, her fear, I felt it – again. She looked like someone who was losing purpose.

I was trying to explain to P that whilst Shappelle was jailed, she could watch life pass her and not feel responsible for it: her gaol cell made it impossible for her to travel freely, love freely, learn freely, earn freely…

My metaphorical cell that was my culture and religion prevented me from doing the same.

I was right: my turning 30 made it easier for others to give up on me. In the Muslim world, I was too old to marry and my prospects were very little. My age was freeing. The more time I spent challenging, the less I was challenged.

I now look back and feel an incredible amount of guilt for the SK that was all those years ago: I had imposed a sentence and asked her to sacrifice living freely until the shackles had loosened.

I wonder where I would be now if I had the strength to shake off those shackles 15 years ago. If only…

So like Shapelle, now that the shackles are off, I have no excuse, nothing holding me back from living a life that I carve for myself. In fact, I have more love and support then ever in the one person that is P, than I did pre-30, with all others combined, to achieve, dream, hope, and conquer this life and the years upon years I have left of it.

What excuse would I have now for failure?

Birthday Bliss

I had the most amazing birthday this year, thanks to DH. Not only is he n amazing, loving husband and friend, but so very generous too. In fact , for my birthday, I was spoilt with attention and love, and this amazing Burberry trench coat. It looks and feels amazing!!



It’s been awhile since I have posted Things with the family have a hit a much desired plateau. I think the part of the family that has cut me off think I am quite miserable about it, but the truth is, I am quite happy with my family obligations nose-diving and me just being able to enjoy other things without any guilt. I love being able to plan and do things with DH without feeling like I am missing out with time with my family, or guilty about not seeing my nieces and nephews or siblings, and i like not lying about my whereabouts and who I am with. Dh and Little Guy are my family now.

I am very grateful that I am able to still see some of my nieces and nephews and some of my siblings are still very active in my life. It is quite comforting being able to focus on just these few. Strangely, I am not so sad about not feeling so stretched any more. Having said that, this new normal takes a bit of getting used to. For example, a few weeks ago, I coincidently placed myself in the same place as Sis#4 and her children (they have been banned from seeing me).

Realising that i could hear them all, I asked Sis #2, who I was with at the time, to warn my other sister that I was present and thus avoid an uncomfortable situation for her children (of which, Little K, was a particular favourite of mine).  Miss M didn’t heed the warning and ran to me with a hug. Master A was indifferent about the whole scene, but I could hear Little K had stopped in his tracks behind me. His mother asked him if he wanted to say hello to me, he said ‘yes’. So he came up, gave me a hug, told me he missed me. At this point Lil Sis entered the scene and told me we should go before the kids got into trouble. So off we went. My feelings in these circumstance is just sadness that the kids are confused as they have not been told Why they cannot see my any more. Last weekend, Lil Sis and I bumped into Sis#4 and her tribe again. Once again, Miss M gave me a big hug, but this time, Little K stayed put and didn’t flinch. He successfully ignored me – which I completely understood. His father would be proud. So proud.Image

Something to Smash???!!!


I love to run, and to keep me running, I sign up to various registered races quite often.

I went through my racing history, and I have calculated that since 2008 I have run 583.1km in 51 registered events. This includes 1 marathon and 9 half-marathons.

I would like to see how quickly I can get this number up to 1000km and have given myself the goal of achieving this before I turn 35 years old – that’s 3 years to run 416.9km!

Wish me luck 🙂

its so quiet

So, another day has passed to which no one in my family has contacted me. No phone calls. No texts. No facebook chat messages. Nothing.

I suppose I have done this to myself.

I have a handful of family members that are accepting, Lis Sis, Big Bro, Lil Bro, and Sis #4 – I generally see them every Saturday. Sis #3 is quite busy with her special needs child and various martial arts activities, so perhaps I see her every other week for a few minutes.

My mother I see also every Saturday, for about 5 minutes. If I’m lucky and she’s not expecting any guests, I can stay in her home for about a half hour before I feel uncomfortable about compromising her position.

She has allowed my PBIL#s and their families to think she has cut-me off and will not allow me to see her until enough time has passed that I have been sufficiently punished for my misgivings.

I am not allowed to hang around my family home –I no longer park my car in the driveway when I stop by on Saturdays.  My mother worries greatly about the neighbours or family seeing me there. So, I generally just pick up Lil Sis from work; take her home for about 5 mins where I see my mum and other brothers. Then we look for something to do to distract us for 3 or 4 hours. Usually we go Op shopping. Occasionally, we will go see a movie.

The fact that I live in the inner city and they live in the southwest already makes it difficult for my family to come and see me.

Additionally, I am so distanced from the everyday issues my family manage, that I don’t get any phone calls or messages letting me know of any dramas that may impact me. I guess because I have so far removed myself from my community and family, that perhaps they think family matters no longer impact me. The less phone calls and messages I get about family matters, the less I feel entitled to be informed or kept to update, and the less interested I become

I am not very confident that the situation will restore itself.

I cannot see myself having the same relationship with some of my siblings I once had. Some I trust more than ever. Others I will never extend a helping hand to again. Their children are exempt – they are innocent. I would walk over fire for them